Sharing The Wealth: A Contest For You

I have just finished one of Those Proverbial Days, due in large part to some particularly nasty editorial correspondence. One of those retreat-into-the-bunker-tell-my-kids-I-love-them-avenge-my-nerdy-death sorts of days.

Usually my pressure valve is Twitter, where I vent about the inanity of this vale of tears we call “Letters to the Dictionary” in 140 characters or less. But that is frankly a selfish release: I whine and moan about how crazy our correspondents are, and you must endure said whining regardless of whether you want to endure it or not.

This is the part where I should repent of my selfishness and tell you that I’m going to stop burdening/bothering you while you are getting vitally important updates from KimKierkegaardashian, but let’s be honest: we all totes know I’m not going to do that. I will, however, sweeten the deal by introducing:

“BAD DICTIONARY” BINGO.

The rules are simple. The next time I tweet some dazzling folly, check your bingo card to see if it includes the comparison I just tweeted. If we have been deemed worse than, say, everything–and we no doubt will be–mark the appropriate square on your card with the date of my tweet.

The first person to get bingo (that is, an unbroken line of five answers across the card vertically, horizontally, or diagonyougetthepicture) and tweet a picture of your completed bingo card to me will receive either:

• a copy of the most recent Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, signed by me, OR
• a year’s access to Merriam-Webster Unabridged on me, and a tweeted picture of me giving your card a thumbs up.

If you already possess both of these things, then a) you are a magnificent human being, beatific and too wondrous to behold, and b) I’ll figure something suitably magnificent out.

A few notes. First, don’t poke the lexicographers and write in to compare us to something on this card. I no longer handle the email account that your note will likely be sent to, and we don’t want to irritate the editor who does handle that account. If she quits because 48 people suddenly wrote to compare us unfavorably to God, then I will have to handle that account again, and I promise you I will literally (sense 1) tear my hair out if I have to do that.

Finally, you should know that we have been deemed worse than every answer on this card at least twice, so yes, there is a chance that the “Ted Nugent” square will be playable in the future.

A post of real substance is coming. In the meantime, godspeed and good whining.